Friday, December 25, 2009
midas
merry christmas ya'll. nobody's probably going to read this because it is privatised but, still it is formality to voice it out ya.
okay so anyways. i just want to come to terms with myself. lets be honest. personally i feel that currently home is just shelter for me. an empty shell to a lost hermit crab. nothing short of food and ample utility to keep me safe and warm through a tough night. mom is frankly put, an atm that i withdraw a monthly allowance from. i guess it mainly started the very minute she just gave up on herself and me. well not technically giving up, but in my eyes, yes. giving up.
i frankly cannot be bothered to tell any of them anything anymore and i feel like the gap between common knowledge is getting wider and wider. interests vary, and i simply do not feel like putting any effort in bridging any potential gaps. i didn't tell my mom i went for camp last dotc1. i just kind of disappeared off the face of the earth a little. and just now when we were off to gardens to buy food, i kind of scurried off to the front and did my own little thing alone, while she willingly strolled behind.
i guess a large part is because i'm an only child, and i'm so used to growing up and relying on family, and to see this diversion between concern and just sleeping like a fucking log on the couches every night just turns me off so bad. i've always thought the world of my friends, because they are the only possessions i've ever had since i've always been denied any pets that i've ever dreamed of getting or any siblings. but recently, as everyone around me slowly starts to get attached and busy with their own stuffs, i think there's only that much i can do.
defences up, i kinda retreat into my shell a little? reserved, maybe, but i try to put a facade. but frankly i really enjoy the times when i'm not alone and i'm with people i enjoy and love. but otherwise when i am, i think i tend to let my mind wander a little bit. i do feel alone a lot, and it breaks my ego to say it because i've always thought i could be a trooper by myself. i do kind of yearn to be in a relationship, but i fear that in that situation i would be everything i've ever cited i would never ever be. only because i feel the need to rely on somebody else since its frankly almost me against the world in my mind. i don't even know what i'm rambling about anymore.
you know, one day i'll probably look back on this post and curse at myself, realizing that the air of stupidity was so dense then, you could cut it with a knife. but today, as i'm typing this - i don't know if it's just hormones or puberty, but i frankly have given up on hoping for a lot of things in life. i still wish the best for myself, but my confident shell i thought i always had is suffering from cracks and it's only time it crumbles in.
that said, despite the fact i long to have someone to watch over me, i am proud that i've stuck true to what i've promised myself. to not jump into something impulsively. perhaps my expectations are too high to meet, but who i like, i can never get. whomever likes me, will unfortunately not get my favors in return. i kinda wish i could allow myself to get out there a little, be impulsive and get to know people like a fucking slut (not in terms of sleeping, but social networking) but no, that's beyond me. and i guess a lot of it falls back on the fact that fyp is holding me back a little. but i know deep down it's just another month and it'll all be over (which is another worry because i feel like i'm so behind time)
with that, i guess it's time to end this post. what a way to celebrate christmas, and the end of 2009. as much as i've enjoyed the festive spirit, i'm lacking feel this exact moment.